Umm I'm too high to move.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Randomize
