I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
