Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
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let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
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Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy