he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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