i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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