Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
