not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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