Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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