Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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