I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
