Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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