Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
