I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
After tacos, we're chasing women.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
