i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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