he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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