He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
