Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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