Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
