btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
