I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i need some magic done to my vagina
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
