Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
