Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
