So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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