He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
