Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Apparently you make a good broom.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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