Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You took a bar mat shot.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
