I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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