So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I AM VODKA MAN
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
