I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
