you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
