Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
