I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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