News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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