soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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