Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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