At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
