Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
