I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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