Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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