I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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