theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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