I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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