I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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