I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
