He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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