plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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