I want to make a zoo with you.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
