my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
