apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We had to coat check the pizza.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
