ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We're too hungover to prance.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
