Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
