life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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