I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
