I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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