My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
