Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
