i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
