4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
