i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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