Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
