Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
