Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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