someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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